Title: =Be a good listener.
Warnings: Yaoi, smut, onesided love, etc.
Pairings: GamTav (onesided), TavKar
I really wished that I could make up my mind.
I don't think we should be thinking about relationships and romance at such a critical time. There's so much uncertainty-I don't think it's maybe in our best interest to pursue quadrants. Along with being so young, we have no idea how these quadrants even work. I don't even know what sloppy make-outs feel like.
But these feelings I have go in two directions.
Honestly, I'd rather not deal with them but uh-Dave says that time can't be stopped by anyone-not even the time players; Love and death were inevitable. We're doomed to move forward into nothingness.
It was easier to hide away and wait for the dreadful day to come-to shield my eyes and pretend that everything was okay. Karkat- his loud voice yelling in the distance-always bring me out of that motion of thought; I shouldn't be getting ahead of myself. And Gamzee, Gamzee tried to make everything okay.
I like them both.
But it's different for each troll, but how I feel makes me uneasy regardless.
I wish it were easier and simple, but nothing's simple now-a-days. This reminds me of how Pupa Pan was conflicted when troll Wendy talked about her Lusus, how sad and confusing it wa for Pupa Pan to try to-comprehend what she meant. I always cry at that part, and Karkat does too; Gamzee just had this set expression, not really sad-but more understanding.
I think he gets it better than we do.
And sometimes I feel really bad for Gamzee, I think I might even pity him at moments-but not too much cause he's always happy and smiling, cracking jokes and loving the miracles of life. Sometimes I wonder though, is he really smiling or is it the sopor smiling? He's like a knock-off Pupa Pan, minus the wings but with a higher blood. I both admire and feel sorry for him, he hasn't really had much guidance- and he must be so lonely all the time.
Maybe that's why he wanted to “make-out a little”.
But I couldn't, it wasn't right.
I don't know how exactly I am supposed to feel but I know I didn't feel very red for him. If anything I was pale-I wanted him to be my best friend and to continue to be there for me, to back me up and help me stand my ground. I don't think I could live without Gamzee, he's the nicest and most cheerful troll in my life, and having him around gives me confidence-
I can do anything with him by my side.
Follow your little blood pump man, all I want is for you to be happy.
I know Gamzee will be supporting me in my-attempt at red-rom. He knows how strange I feel and the gravity of this situation. It bugs me that I know nothing of red romances; I don't think watching rom-coms will even begin to help. Especially since Karkat being there will only make me more self conscious; I'll completely forget about the movie.
I can't even explain why I act so timid, stupid, clumy-it just happens.
I can't even stop it, I have barely any control over myself and my stutter comes out worse than usual. I can't even say when this really began-I suppose it was a gradual thing.
It's strange and uncomfortable, as I probably said before I would rather not deal with this at all, I don't want to be in love. Gamzee said that love was one of the best miracles in life, but he always looks so torn, he must be biting back something from me.
I don't believe him when he says that, but I do believe him when he says he'll take care of me.
He kind of already is taking care of me (indirectly) and I have a feeling that maybe one day I'll stay with him in closer quarters, that I'll be perfectly fine with him in my (our?) hive.
And right now he's glancing over at me again with a really long off expression-but he had lots of clarity in his eyes, he's certainly aware of where he is right now. And I give him a smile and he sighs, smiling back but folding his hands together-
Go get him Tav.
I nod and hesitantly walk over to Karkat, taking a deep breath and mustering all my courage for this one moment-
My name is Tavros Nitram and I am going to ask Karkat Vantas to be my matesprit.