I know your favorite color is purple. I know that you like clowns and you like to make people laugh. I know that you started hardcore drugs in middle school but you've sobered up to only weed during high school. I know your favorite band is ICP and Juggalo Island is practically your theme song.
Those times when Rufioh was gone or when he'd leave, he needed to satiate your needs so he set me to do it. Any gifts and love notes sent to you were of my imagination. I always hated you- how you would bend to Rufioh's will, how you never saw his flaws, how you were so easily fooled by him. But I loved you, loved how you were so willing to change, willing to do anything to prove your love. I loved Kurloz, but after he rejected me I continued to write to you, I liked to pretend that you loved me. That you thought so highly of me-that you were the one person who loved me.
I know that you're a wonderful boy. I know that you deserve more than the world can give you. I know you didn't deserve your heart being broken by Rufioh.
That's why I kept on saying such nice things, I wanted you to be happy, even if I couldn't.
I know you loved Rufioh. I know you could never love someone as pathetic as me. I'm sorry for not being as lovely or charming as Rufioh, but I liked to think you were happy with me. I should have tried harder, tried to be someone you could have grown to love.
I know what nothing feels like.
I know what pain feels like, I know what it feels like to have a knife in your chest but never be able to pull it out-cause it's not really there. I know how your heartbreak felt. Even someone as pathetic as me doesn't deserve to have their heart broken.
I know how wonderful love is. I know how happy I've been with you, even if you didn't mean any of your words. I know that you're special to me, and I know that I love you.
I love you Gamzee.
I love you so much.
Thank you, for everything you've given me. I feel like ripping out these piercings cause they just remind me of someone who WILL NEVER LOVE ME.
But maybe I can believe they are signs of love. Cause you can't spell believe without lie.
I love you.
I know that I shouldn't be here. I don't belong, I never belonged. Mom and Dad don't want me. No one wants to love the brother of Rufioh Nitram. Maybe if I was never here then I would never have ruined everything so much. Maybe I should have gone away, because I am not as fortunate as a beautiful star.
I know I'm going to die soon.
And that's okay.
Because I'm happy, because I can pretend that you love me so much, that I can be your everything. I can be yours and you'll smile and laugh-and we'll be perfectly fine-even if it is cold where we are. Even if it's so cold that I can't feel my body, because I know that the emptiness in me only means that you have my heart.
I love you.
I need to die.
I'm sorry, but I can't think straight anymore.